This blog has not had much attention lately. But now that Lent has begun I will write about the feeling I have had sometimes lately that I am a spiritual fraud and a hypocrite. I say I want to serve God, but I get impatient any time someone in the car in front of me doesn't go at the speed I want them to go, or do whatever I think they should do.
More importantly, I don't do anything to serve others, which is the main way we serve God. After all, it's pretty simple: "inasmuch as you do it to the least of these my brothers and sisters, you do it to me," Jesus says, putting himself squarely in the camp of the homeless, the marginalized, the unattractive -- the sort of people "nice" people avoid. And I haven't even managed to find a way to serve "nice" people by visiting the hospital, or helping in any of dozens of other ways.
To be fair to myself, I have only been in my new home for a relatively few weeks. I imagine I'll find some way to connect with others in time. Still, I'm only too aware of my own discomfort with strangers, and how hard it can be to believe I have something of value to offer.
I also know, though, that when I do offer myself, I am nearly always rewarded many fold. People -- especially people in the hospital -- are hungry for connection and appreciate any morsel of genuineness you offer.
It's funny. Sometimes I think if we could all just be openly the people we are inside, in the quiet times, there might be more harmony in the world than there is with everyone putting on masks of toughness and bravado.
i do not doubt in the slightest that you will find your service niche in due time. you have a gentleness and sincerity, an open-heartedness and thoughtfulness that i know many have benefitted from already (i include myself among the lucky) and that i trust many will benefit from as you find your way forward. it is important to serve others, but it is also important to be gentle with yourself. there has been a whole lot of change in your world recently--the dust will settle and you will see, though, i think.
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