On not buying a house

Recently, I made an offer on a house. To my surprise, the offer was accepted. It was a very nice house, with lots of lovely exposed wood inside, a beautiful stone fireplace, and a view of a nearby pond. All fine. except. Except I went from the happy-nervous feeling of taking a big (very big), but positive step in one's life to feeling increasingly anxious, worried, afraid, almost panic-stricken.

I had come to Massachusetts to start a new job, leaving my significant other behind in another state and the plan was that I would buy a house here, my s.o. would sell the other house, move to Massachusetts and buy me out of half the new house. I had thought I could afford the house I bought, even if it took a few months for the other house to sell. But when faced with the reality, I couldn't stop worrying about how long it might take the other house to sell, and what might happen in the meantime to bring financial disaster on both of us.

This morning I felt so anxious I thought I might faint. I think the worst part was the feeling that if something really bad happened it would be my own fault, for doing something stupid, i.e., trying to buy a house before the other one was sold. It's one thing to have bad luck, but making a disastrous, stupid and avoidable mistake was more than I thought I could live with.

So I talked to a friend and my realtor and decided maybe the intense anxiety I was feeling was a message: Step away from the house. You don't want to do this, and you shouldn't do it without wanting to.

I decided to rescind my offer, to walk away from the lovely house with the beautiful view, because I'm not ready for the level of risk involved in buying a house at the limit of what I can afford on the hope that another house in another state is going to sell and make the whole enterprise work out..

So, my significant other is disappointed, and I'm disappointed. But I think I will sleep better, knowing that I'm not taking a large and potentially catastrophic risk. And also knowing that when the signals get loud enough, I am able to listen to my gut.