On belonging and identity

One of the things I have always struggled with is connection with other people. I am both introverted and (sometimes) shy, and for reasons connected with my particular psyche, I am ambivalent about being part of a group. Part of me wants to belong, like any normal person, and part of me is wants to stay aloof, hanging out on the fringes. This part is suspicious of group-think, of the political correctness that can be imposed by belonging; I'm also wary of the demands on my time that may come with group membership, and of losing my individuality in the group.

With time, I have become aware, in a way I wasn't when I was younger, of my need for belonging and connection with a group. I've also learned that I can belong and still set my own boundaries.But the ambivalence, which set in when I was quite young, has remained.

It is reinforced when I lose touch with friends, family and the groups (primarily church) that are important to me. The less I'm around others, the more ambivalent I feel about being around them. The more I'm around others (up to a point), the more I look forward to connecting.

I haven't been to church since Easter, and I feel it. I need to go to church, to be part of that group of people, most of whom I know only slightly, with whom I share a bond of faith and a roughly similar approach to the spiritual journey.

In fact, connecting with other people is the second-most-important reason I go to church. The first is to connect with God and to be reminded that it is to God that I most deeply belong. The two really are intertwined: because all of us belong, on the deepest level, to God, connecting with others is connecting with God and vice versa. Because God is the true home of each one of us, we are ultimately connected with one another, involved in one another and obligated to one another.

It's much harder to live than to say, and I'm not good at it. But I try (pace Yoda), in my fitful way.

Lying in bed the other morning, these words came to me, accompanied by a simple tune:

Breath of God, breathe in me,
Heart of God, beat in me,
Love of God, flow in me,
Life of God, show in me.

Peace of God, rest in me,
Power of God, move in me,
Joy of God, grow in me,
Light of God, glow in me.

May the love of the One who holds us all draw us ever closer to each other. As the beloved of God, may we know deeply our unique contribution to the whole, and the particular gifts that belonging nurtures in us.